The past few weeks I’ve been wondering to myself if I’ve done the right thing.  Was this the right choice?  Is this what I wanted?  I was so certain of the right path back then, but now it seems as if I’ve gotten lost again.

I’m trying my best to move on, but it’s not working because she still lingers in my thoughts.

I can’t help doing something without occasionally reminscing, “oh, this is what she would’ve liked,” or “I bet this would’ve made her laugh.” It’s funny because I have no idea if I even made a difference in her life.  Or if I’m just another soon-forgotten memory.

I loved sharing those things with her.

Maybe it’s still too soon.  Or maybe…I just miss her.

I won’t reply, as you requested.

But I want to get these out words out now.

I wanted to walk away quietly without any regrets.   I wanted to avoid making any accusations or say hurtful words, and let whatever I really wanted to say go.  It was rash of me to suddenly want to part ways, but somehow it felt the right decision to make considering the fact that we don’t talk as much anymore.  I really wanted to move on, and part quietly.

I guess you don’t see it that way.  When we talked that day, you said you didn’t understand how I was feeling, even though later in the email you claimed you were not as “dense” to your surroundings.  You also said I didn’t know the “real” you.  There were alot of other parting shots up until the very end, where you dictated what I should do with my life and learn from you.

Of course I don’t know you.  No one knows everything about anyone, its just one of those universal truths. I did try to make every effort to let you know the real me.  I would often write to you to tell you how I was doing, by trying to humor you with witty comments and funny things I had found.  I was always thinking of you.   If that isn’t an effort to get to know you then I don’t know what is then.

But it’s true, I wanted to get to know you in more ways than I should have.  It came about that way because you never made any attempt to say hello.

You called me selfish.  That was a low parting shot.  If being in love and showing compassion is selfish, then every single person on this planet who has fallen in love is essentally by default, selfish.

You said I think too much.  That’s true, I do think too much.  I feel sorry for the people who don’t think enough.  But eventually people will learn what they need to learn when life finds the right time for them.

Alot of times over the course of our relationship, I admired your character and the beliefs you stood by.  But after reading the things you said to me in that email it seemed to contradict every axiom you stood for, from caring for all of your friends equally, doing whatever it takes to help someone out, and being true to yourself.

Worst of all were the words you once said to me before.  “I would never hate you unless you did something really mean to me, but you wouldn’t do that to me right?”

How ironic is it that those words came true not for you, but for me.

Should I remain upbeat and continue trying to stay in your good graces, despite recent events?

Or do I let you know my feelings, lay it on the table, and try my best to smile to the end?

Before tonight, I spent alot of time thinking — not by myself, but with many countless close friends whom I’ve grown to love.  I shared the same story over and over to them while they sat listening, soaking in every detail that I can remember over these last 5 months.  Each time, they all told me the same thing.

“It’s not worth it.  You’re putting yourself through so much while at the same time she doesn’t acknowledge your feelings.  Let her go.”

Granted, that’s not the answer I was expecting.  “Let her go?  Are you nuts?  I love her to death, I want her to see how much I care, how far I’m willing to go for her!”

“But does she try to talk to you?  Does she know how you’re feeling?”

I paused.

“Well…no…it never seemed like she knew…”

But I go on and I say, “Well she’s busy of course!  And tons of friends love her and spam her with affection in more ways that I could ever keep up with…!”

“If she cared, how come she doesn’t take the time to talk to you then?”

I had no reply.  I was out of ammunition, alone in my own feelings of doubt, and I didn’t hear what I wanted to hear.  It almost seemed like I was making excuses to myself in an effort to keep this one-sided romance going.  I took a long hard look at not myself, but straight at you and all the things you’ve said.  All the excuses, the missed encounters, the words that hide behind the other words you say to me.  Is there anything there?

Things aren’t alright.  That’s what finally lead me to make a decision, a short while ago.

And so yesterday, we parted ways.

All good things must come to an end.

Sadly, it didn’t happen.

But my feelings are still there for you.  Even though my world may be turning upside down, I want to believe.  Even if the truth  turns into a lie, I want to believe.

All of those feelings lead up to this one important day of all days.

I wish things went well right now.  They aren’t, but I wish they did.

I wish you were in love with me.

There was a party at a friend’s house, so as per usual we started pouring out shots for everybody.  It’s been a while since I’ve taken one, so naturally my body wasn’t having it.  I tried to pace myself so I wouldn’t go overboard.  Stick in a few beers and I’ll be okay, I thought.

Man oh man, what a disaster that strategy turned out to be.

Funny things happen when I get drunk.  Well, more like embarassing things.  Like for example some of the weird things I do include magically being more energetic, walking around aimlessly and blurting out random things.

But worst of all is when I start thinking about the things going on in my life.

I hate saying personal things to people.  I hate it because when I do, it never feels like the whole situation is explained completely.  So when the time comes when they prepare their reply, I don’t get the feeling it’s the answer it should’ve been or that they could’ve said something different had I explained all the details.

In fairness though, the problem might just be that I want to hear what I want to hear.  But after a loud discussion prompting other friends (who walked by) to chip in, one friend summed it up the best:

Maybe its just because the best advice is the one you don’t want to hear.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, although he’s probably right.  That might be part of the reason why I can’t cheer up and take their advice.  Or maybe I’m just still in self-doubt.  Whatever the case, its out there on the table now.  And I can’t ignore it now.

Should I say something?  What should I write?  Would it be a good idea to try to be funny or casual? Maybe it would be more prudent to do nothing at all?  Should I wait until you have some free time?

So many questions pop up and I’m too scared to do either…

I miss the early days when it was so easy to talk to you.  Things were much more simpler back then…

I left you an email– did you get it?  I’ve no idea if you did or not, but I left a message anyway.  I was hoping to meet you, but felt it would be better to leave that choice up to you.  Whether or not we would meet  was something I wanted to leave up to fate.

Sunday was a really chilly day.  I didn’t realize how cold it could be next to the ocean.  Three hours passed by in that freezing weather almost instantly, and as harsh as it could’ve been, the thought of seeing your warm smile kept me going.

I wanted to hope, even for just a little bit.

But you didn’t come.

The feeling in my heart is kind of numb,  but it’s not frozen.   In a sense, I’m still kind of waiting for some kind of response…

And then I got depressed after reading it.

You have a knack for words.  Usually they cheer me up, but this time around I didn’t smile.

Clearly I won’t be able to see you, even though you said I could come visit anytime.  Clearly you said you would help me in any way, but not this time because of your studies.  Is your test on Saturday and Sunday?  Because that following Sunday, I have time to come visit you…

But you don’t want to see me, do you…?

What was the purpose of these last 4 months?  Am I stupid for falling in love with someone as capricious as you?

Only 4 more days until then.  I’m pining for some sort of miracle, perhaps fruitlessly…

I am thankful we are good friends.

I am thankful we met each other, long long ago.

I am thankful I came to know you, and to recognize these feelings for you today.

Happy thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, the art is pretty uninspiring with recycled animation at times.  But the story itself is pure and poignant.

During one key event, the main protagonist becomes betrayed by her friends.  Alone, hungry and desperate, she descends through her own emotions, desperate to reconcile her identity in a world she was helplessly thrown into.  Over time an apparition disguised as a monkey taunts her mercilessly, furthering her own doubts.  Bereft of companionship, she ends up distrustful and wary of the world.

But in one dramatic scene she confronts the monkey, slowly polishing reason as her weapon and affirming her resolve with her words.

Especially when she says this particular line of prose:

“Don’t trust anyone because they might lie?  If a person isn’t nice to me, then I can’t be nice to that person?  That’s not right, isn’t it?  Me trusting someone…and that person betraying me…have nothing to do with one another!

“I’m alone.  That’s why everything about me, I will decide for myself.  Even if no one is kind to me and I continue getting betrayed, I won’t be someone who won’t trust anyone and become a coward!”

Maybe it was the music, or the pacing, or the voice acting of that scene, but I wept.

Even though the context had no connection to anything remotely in my life, the basic emotions passed through to me intensely.  It was the bit of advice that I hadn’t expected, least of all from a show I was watching just as a diversion from recent events.  And for me, I was able to stick it to those personal difficulties at the time and reconcile them.

So tonight, I’m watching that show once more.

I’m glad to say it’s reaffirming every belief I have once again.